(s+b+f) = (s+b+m)

Sometimes the universe conspires against me and I’m forced to have an opinion on a topic that I would much rather bow out on. So here I am. With an opinion. On single black females (SBF). And single black males.

First, it must be said that I am a SBF (though anyone who would know how to access this blog would already know that). Second, it must be said that my voice and perspective is not a resounding voice of ALL SBFs. I tend to lean more towards the liberal, and less towards the bullshit (having already leaned too close to that in the past). But, at the end of the day, I happily accept my SBF card and the membership at large.

So what the hell. Let’s just start tackling some stereotypes. Shit. I really hate to have an opinion on this because it forces me to generalize a topic that I truly think is very, very personal. But whatevs.

Stereotype #1 – Black women can’t get a man because they’re fat.

I recently read in The Economist that 70% of black women are considered obese. Now, I don’t know how they define “obese” but I would define it as size 18 or above. If you’re shorter than the average chick, I would lower appropriately. And while the statistic is probably true, the stereotype is not.

The statistic. I live in South Florida and therefore I must admit that my daily experiences are probably not representative of the average black female. I ain’t Naomi Campbell, but I also ain’t Monique. 11 months of beach weather every year definitely has an effect on ANY woman’s health goals. But, if I should lean upon my time in Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Kentucky, Indiana, Georgia, and Texas I would have to admit that there is a very PROUD and very CONFIDENT obese population of black women. I’m not sure exactly why it is that black women embrace their rolls while white women are shamed by them; but it is what it is.

Does skinny mean healthy? No.

Does big mean unhealthy? No.

Does skinny mean lovable? No.

Does fat mean un-lovable? Hell no.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Yeh, that’s a cliche. But cliches are popularized because they ring of truth. I’ve never known a big girl who wanted a man and couldn’t find one. But I’ve known a hell of a lot of skinny chicks who went home alone. Truth.

So, seriously. Men. If you told God everything you were looking for in a woman and he sent you a big girl, would you make a date with the devil instead? If yes, your bad. Lucky for you our God is all about forgiveness.

Sterotype #2 – Black women can’t get a man because they have bad attitudes.

*Neck roll* *Finger snap*

Just kidding. But isn’t that what we all think of when we think of a black woman with an attitude??? I’m not big into the blame game, but I have to blame the media for this one. I blame the media for perpetuating a minority of ignorant black women. I blame black women for falling for it. I blame white women for thinking they were cool by interacting with me like I was a black woman on a Tyler Perry movie.

The truth of the matter is, black women have a right to have an attitude. Period. All you men out there shouting nonsense can just sit down. We do. Single moms of modern society are not what created the term “single mom”. The OGs of single motherhood had it rough. They became absentee moms because they had to carry the load of two parents…because of an absentee dad. They worked. They prayed. They disciplined. And they hoped that their child(ren) would have a better life than what they were able to provide.

Many of today’s SBFs were raised by these OGs. And while we all have to blaze our own paths in this life (leaving behind the baggage of our youth), can you really blame a woman for being afraid? Can you really blame her insecurity on something as simple and dismissive as a bad attitude? Well, I can’t. And I won’t.

So. Men. If you’re interested in a SBF with a “bad attitude”, treat her with TLC, respect, and consideration. Don’t dismiss her because you’ve fallen for the stereotype. Love takes work, and if it ain’t one thing then it’s another. We’re worth the time and the effort. Promise.

Sterotype #3 – Black women can’t get a man because they’re too independent.

*sigh* This is just ignorant.

Black women are independent because they haven’t found a man strong enough to meet them halfway. Black women are independent because they have something to prove to themselves, their family, and/or society. Black women are independent because they can’t afford to wait around for a man to take care of their needs. Black women are independent by choice. And they will become co-dependent when they meet the right man. Guess you just weren’t the right man!

Okay. I’m sorry. That was a bit “attitudinal”. But I hate to hear this stereotype come out of a black man’s mouth! I have swung on both extremes of this pendulum. I have been fully dependent upon a man. I have been like “fuck men” and embraced my independence. I’m somewhere in the middle now (I think).

The truth of the matter is, some men aren’t worth our time. Some men aren’t worth relinquishing our independence. Dating is not for the weak of heart, and we SBFs are in it to win it. To all the men who have been dissed by an independent SBF…GET OVER IT! How many women have you dissed in your life? I may not be Beyonce, but you can’t all be J.

Sterotype #4 – Black women can’t get a man because they have too many expectations.

Really? I mean, REALLY??? Now we can’t have expectations??? Gimme a fuckin’ break.

Okay, so yes. I, too, hate that woman who has a concrete checklist of characteristics of their “perfect” man. I, too, hate that woman who only dates “ballers” or professional sports players. I, too, hate that woman who doesn’t give the average man a try.

But guess what? Most of us SBFs ain’t that chick. And most of you “good guys” dismiss us simply because we have our shit together and you were burned by one of those chicks before. Yeh, we may LOOK like that chick. Yeh, we may SOUND like that chick. But, No. We ain’t that chick.

We have expectations? Really? Well, so do you. And when you approach us like we ARE “that chick”, we’ll play the role to get you to move on. Some things are cyclical, and you’re keeping the wheel in motion…too.


At the end of the day, this is just my un-educated perspective. As I’ve stated before in this blog, I actually really suck at relationships. So if you think I’m full of shit, you’re probably right.

And, honestly, half of what men think of us is true.

And, honestly, half of what we think of men is true.

Love finds love. Period. When a SBF meets a SBM that she can love, she will drop all her baggage and succomb to that love. When a SBM meets a SBF that he can love, he will dismiss any and all stereotypes to be her Prince Charming. Love defies all these bullshit rules and stereotypes we try to make.

Love. Ain’t it grand?  -i


~ by EclecticEnigma on April 13, 2010.

One Response to “(s+b+f) = (s+b+m)”

  1. who knew you were still updating this…can we get an email blast saying there is something new.
    please and thank you

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