Breaking Up with Your (un)Boyfriend

Dating and mating is tricky business.

There’s a thin line between “dating” and “relationship”. Some people think they’ve moved from date to mate after they’ve had sex. Others, after a certain time period has elapsed. The romantics wait until they hear those 3 lovely words. The eager stake their claim in bathrooms and closets and think this equates to monogamy.

But what happens when your heart and mind are 2 steps ahead of his? How do you end a bad relationship that never really existed?


More than likely you’ve already had *multiple* and heated conversations about how unhappy you are in this relationship (that he actually calls a friendship). More than likely you’ve left these conversations either (1) thinking you were crazy (cuz that’s what he told you you were); (2) in the same state you were when you called him; or (3) ready to delete him from your phone, and thus your life.

This actually isn’t a multiple-choice test, it’s your life. So I won’t say you have X number of choices to make. But let’s talk.

If you’re feeling crazy for feeling more emotional about the relationship/friendship than he is, let me just say You’re Not Crazy. You see, men have this annoying ability to initiate an emotional entanglement that should be perceived as a relationship but without the actual words required to sign-off on the deal. It’s kinda like a metro-sexual hanging out at gay clubs, but going home with the girls. They look the part, dress the part, act the part…but can’t cum all the way.

But what this schizophrenic behavior allows them to do is ride the fence. Yes, they will act like your boyfriend. Yes, they will expect you to call, text, or email a couple of times a day. Yes, they will want you in their bed most nights. Yes, they will be jealous when they think someone else is tryin’ to holla at you. Yes, they will want you all to themselves.


But they won’t say that.

They will definitely ask you, “What’s wrong with you?” if you stray from these expectations and wants.

If you stop blowin’ them up, they’ll probably send some passive-aggressive text saying something along the lines of, “Wadup Ms. Busy? You must be gettin’ it in on the streets. Holla at me when your schedule clears. One.” or simply “R u ok?”. They won’t say they miss you. They won’t say they want to see you. They will be men and be ridiculous.

If you stop spending the night over at his crib (because you do have one of your own) he will probably start mentioning all the things you’ve slipped into his medicine cabinet or closet 3 months ago. Like he just noticed them there.

If he hears about you out on the town with *whisper* another man, he will probably tell you to watch yourself and your reputation. He will imply that you’re a ho and that everyone thinks you’re a ho…all because you went out with your best (and happily married) guy friend for a drink to talk about his ass.

And all of those things will make you *think* that he really likes you. I mean, why else would he be jealous of you hangin’ out with another dude? Why else would he notice that you haven’t called him? He really does think of you as his girlfriend! He really does love you!

PSYCH! Don’t believe the hype.

Sure, he may like you. He may actually love your ass. But if he can’t commit his mouth to say those words of commitment, then his actions don’t mean shit. This may be the one time when the phrase, “Don’t talk about it. Be about it.” just doesn’t work. If he can’t talk about it, he won’t be about it. And that’s just the bottom-line. Sorry.

So what do you do? Do you call him and instigate a 4 hour convo on your feelings? Do you start to believe that you’re that crazy chick he paints? Do you delete him from your phone?

Do whatever you want. Is that bad advice?

Well, I’m not done.

Do whatever you need to do to feel better in that moment. If you need to drive over to his house and get a quickie so you won’t lose your mind, Do it! If you need to pick up the phone and hash it out with him for a couple of hours so you can say your peace, Do it! If you need to call your girlfriends and head to happy hour(s), Do it! Do YOU! In that moment, you have to. Or else you’ll go crazy.

But. But. But. But. But. At the end of the day, darlin’…

You Cannot Change A Man *period*

If you’re all ready to say those words, and all he’s ready to do is rip the condom wrapper…bounce.

If you’re all ready to hold hands in public, and he’s still telling his friends you’re his co-worker…bounce.

Walking away is easy. Staying away sucks. Finding a new way makes you forget the pain.

Go forth, my lovelies, and Find A New Man (that will claim you)! *sprinkling pixie dust over your head*

p.s. Did I mention I actually suck at relationships? Please don’t take anything I say to heart.



~ by EclecticEnigma on October 2, 2009.

One Response to “Breaking Up with Your (un)Boyfriend”

  1. Women have to start realizing that regardless of what they “do” with a man (spending the night, sex,hanging out constantly, etc…) it does not mean they are now in a relationship with that man. It’s amazing how some women have this way of just going with the flow and assuming things and never asking the important questions or setting things straight from the beginning.

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