Has Your Milk Expired?

Break-ups. Divorce. What’s the deal with love’s inevitable expiration date?

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The entertainment industry called this past summer the “summer of death” because so many legends have died. My best friend and I bit off their idiom and called this the “summer of dead relationships” because so many of our friends (okay, not really friends but people we know just well enough to talk about them) have broken-up, separated or divorced.

So then we started doing what girls do BEST when they get together – male bashing. I’m sure men wish this was a dying art, but sorry. It’s not. And in the midst of our “hate fest” we realized that men treat relationships like they treat their milk…stick with me, it makes sense eventually.

Every morning I have a bowl of cereal…with milk. I buy a gallon of skim milk every few days because I go through it faster than mexican water in an american (I meant that in the most PC way possible). Some days, usually over the weekend, I go out for brunch or make a big breakfast and I miss a day of cereal. And monday morning, without any warning, I spoon up some cereal and immediately spit it out.

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The milk expired. In 24 hours, the milk went from friend to foe and I toss it – a little pissed off that I took that last sip of sourness. And by the next morning, a new gallon of skim milk is back in my fridge and the memory of yesterday is forgotten.

Men, seemingly without warning, can wake-up one morning and realize that they don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. That your kiss tastes like soured milk. And they toss you out. And they don’t look back. Ever.

When a dude is done, he’s done. Period. And while you’re pining away wondering What happened? What went wrong? What’d I do? Girlfriend, they’ve already made a run to the store and picked up a new gallon of fresh milk.

Since I’m not one for generalizations I won’t say that all men treat women like they treat their milk. And I won’t even say that women never treat men like they treat expired milk. But I still like the analogy.

And so then my best friend and I started really pontificating ($5 please…I got a perfect score on the SAT) on why men end a seemingly good relationship with absolutely no explanation. And it all comes back to milk. So here’s some mind-mapping (a technique gleamed during my corporate days) to help put men and milk into proper perspective.

Step One – Buy the milk – Buy the woman

This is a no-brainer. Men need milk, they go to the store and buy it. Men need pu$$y, they buy a woman dinner and drinks…actually it’s probably drinks then dinner then more drinks but whatevs. You get the point.

And just like milk’s diversity – skim, 1%, 2%, soy, chocolate – we women come in all shapes, sizes and skin tones. At our age (a constant 25…wink) we all know what type of milk we drink…just as men probably know what type of woman they like.

Step Two – Drink the milk – Eat the woman

That’s so crass when taken literally, but basically what I’m trying to say is that men, once the milk is in their home, enjoy it by drinking it. And men, once the relationship has been established, enjoy the woman. You’re theirs. They own you. They know it. And so do you if you’re being honest and are in a real relationship. And it’s all good (well, while the gettin’s good at least)…

Step Three – Drink. Refill – Happy? Refill

Just like my example, we all get into a routine – wake-up, eat cereal, start the day. If you’re happy with this routine, you keep doing it.

Just like a relationship – wake-up in love, enjoy some “morning pleasantries”, start the day. If you’re happy with this routine, you keep doing it.

But, what happens when you crave something a little…hmmm…different? What happens when you’re taking that box of cereal off the pantry shelf and that milk bottle out of the fridge and realize you want…hmmm…blueberry pancakes? If you’re in New York, you go to Clinton Street Bakery (cuz they have THE BEST blueberry pancakes – sorry I’m a bit obsessed with these pancakes). But seriously, when your taste buds demand a new flavor, you satisfy them. You don’t throw out your cereal and milk immediately. You put them back on the shelves and go in search of what you really want, fully expecting to have them tomorrow when you’re feeling “normal” again.

So what happens when a man wakes up next to you and jumps out the bed without the “morning delight”?

This is just a guess (and certainly not accounting for those “failure to launch” moments) but I’m thinking he’s going in search of what he really wants. Maybe it’s because he has to grind out at work. Maybe? Or maybe it’s because he is in pursuit of happiness. Either way, he will leave you in the bed fully expecting you to be there tomorrow when he is feeling “normal” again.

But what happens when tomorrow is another blueberry pancake day?

Step Four – Drip. Drip – Dip. Dip

Have you ever watched a baby drink a bottle of milk?

Once they’ve gotten their fill, they still hold that bottle up to their mouths but they don’t actually drink the milk. It just kinda drips down their little chins.

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They stop. Take a breath. Decide they still want the milk. Start sucking it again (full force), but at some point they just realize they can’t drink one more drop. So they drop the bottle and move on.

Well, men are babies. (Sorry. Poor feminist humor.)

When you got a man, you betta want to spend a big chunk of your life sipping from the well of love you share with him. Sure, you’ll take a breath and go out with your girls occasionally, but everyone expects you to be with your man. Why not? You’re in love, right?

So what does it mean when your man dips more than he sips? If your man is spending more time at his job than with you, he betta have just gotten a promotion. If your man is spending more time with his friends than with you, it betta be the Finals of some stupid sports league. If your man just dips without any explanation…the explanation IS he’s sippin’ somebody else’s milk! And you BETTA bounce before your sweet milk expires!

Step Five – The Last Breakfast

Just like my example, the time will come when, after too much neglect (and blueberry pancakes), your milk will expire and will need to be tossed (the actual dairy milk).

And it is just like a man to neglect you for far too long, leaving you on the shelf with promises of coming back, and when he finally comes back for another sip, tells you that your milk, girl, has expired!

But I’m here to tell you that you are still so fresh and so clean! And please, the next time you start to feel the dust settling on you from too much neglect, pack up your LV and shake it off.

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Just ask your mama, she knows.

-i

p.s. And from a happily married girlfriend of mine, make sure you keep that milk bottle closed until the right time. Sometimes, sweetie, milk expires because you popped the top too soon…

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~ by EclecticEnigma on September 30, 2009.

2 Responses to “Has Your Milk Expired?”

  1. I don’t know If I said it already but …Cool site, love the info. I do a lot of research online on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks, 🙂

    A definite great read..Jim Bean

  2. LOL…. I love it!!!

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